Lover of My Sacrifice
by Veleda
Summary: What is Saya thinking about as she walks to her death? The same person she's been thinking of all her life. SayaTohru spoilers for volume 10


Today's the day, Tohru. Today, a sword will be born. And a woman will die. But not you- not my Tohru. I still wonder why this all had to be. Would a peaceful, quiet life have been so much to ask for? Our lives bow to a word: destiny. How I hate that word, hate that concept. But destiny will not be my master. We can cheat it. You will not come to harm, not while I still have breath in my body.

As I walk down the path to the shrine, my mind wanders to the first time I met you, in person that is. I had dreamed of you for so long, the woman who would be my life and death, that I was afraid to believe you were real, that I was really seeing you. I knew it was rude to stare, but I couldn't help it. I was captivated. You were so beautiful, so regal. Everyone crowded around you; the new, mysterious transfer student, but you looked over them all and saw me – me, of all people. And I knew, as your beautiful name left your perfect lips, that I would live for you, die for you. That... was the most beautiful thought I had ever had.

That first meeting melted into other adventures. Stolen kisses in the girls' bathroom. Secretive glances from across the classroom. And then... came awkward hands in the protection of night, hot breath on white skin. You and me, lost in a place where time had no meaning. But it ended. It had to end. I begged my father to arrange a marriage with Kyougo. Everyone thought we were so in love. He, the faithful husband; me, the dutiful wife. What a lie. What an evil woman, who would spread such deception. And I am an evil woman. I will be going to hell. But no promise of heaven could keep me from you.

You never touched me again, after I announced my engagement. Not the way I wanted you to, anyway. Part of me wanted to curse you, but I could never be angry with you. Besides, I suppose you did it in an attempt to save me, to keep my sins from going any deeper. I must laugh at that, my love. How could my sins get any worse? Nevertheless... I suppose it wouldn't have been fair to Kyougo. He was always faithful. He was always good. What did he do to deserve a wife like me? A wife who could not love him...

I picture your face in my mind, to quell my doubts. I had known from when I had that first dream, the dream of a shadow woman and a shrine obscured in mist, that one of us would have to suffer, and that I would never allow it to be you.

Once again, I see your face. Your smiling face, grinning with girlish delight. Your mouth wide open, your head thrown back, gasping my name. Your eyes gentle as you watch the children play. Your cheeks streaked with tears as we say our last goodbye.

And now my mind is going to last night. My last night alive, I suppose. But that seems overly melodramatic. I remember your body under mine for the first time in far too many years. I'm happy to die, if your pleasure is my last memory.

For all the wonder of last night, I can't help worry that Kyougo is suspicious. You and I have been so close all these years; then I take your burden of death on myself. Does he wonder what kind of wife would rather spend her last night on Earth with her best friend, rather than in the arms of her husband? I suppose it doesn't matter now. It's just... I never wanted to hurt him. Really. Enma may not believe me, but it's the truth. He has been a better husband than I deserve. He has been a better person than I deserve.

I hope he got Kotori and Fuuma away. They're just children. Children shouldn't have to see this. They couldn't understand. I can hear Kotori's voice in my head, "Don't go away." How was I supposed to explain that I had no choice? You see, Tohru, I could no more not die for you than I could stop loving you. But how do I tell a little child that?

I must admit that I fear for Kotori. Her powers as a yumemi far exceed mine. With proper training, she could become very powerful. But I don't want her to get that training. The life of yumemi is a lonely one. It is not the future I want for my daughter. Do I have the right to call her my daughter? Can I leave them behind like this, and still call them my children? It doesn't matter. They have their father. You and Kamui must hold tight to one another. He needs you, Tohru, in a way my family doesn't need me. No one needs me. Except you. That is just one of the many precious gifts you have given me. That, along with my deepest wish. My truest wish, to give you everything that I am. This death grants that wish. That selfish wish that brings pain to everyone around me. But isn't that what the end of the world is about? The Earth's wish. Isn't that what you told me? The Earth's wish...

And who will grant the Earth's wish? I wish I knew. Unfortunately my power no longer extends beyond the fate of the two of us. However, whenever I think of that "other" Kamui I feel such a sense of foreboding. It makes me afraid. What frightens me even more, however, is that you won't tell me.

It's not important. The only things that matter are you, and fate. Everything else must fall by the wayside until there is only one choice before me. One path, one road I willingly walk.

I have reached the end of the hallway. Behind this door is Kyougo. We will exchange parting words and then... and then I will save you. I will take destiny into my own hands.

Goodbye, Tohru.

My love...

Forever.

Japanese terms:

Yumemi: dream-seer, dream-walker. Basically a person who sees the future when they dream.

Enma: King of hell in Japanese mythology.


End file.
